


So Disordered (But I Can't Live Without You)

by russianmango



Series: 30 in 30 [15]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Chicago Blackhawks, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-15
Updated: 2013-03-15
Packaged: 2017-12-05 10:43:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/722150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/russianmango/pseuds/russianmango
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Order: Ever since Pat came into his life, it's been nothing but disaster.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Disordered (But I Can't Live Without You)

Jonathan’s life was perfect before Pat came into it. He knew what to expect and when to expect it at almost every point of his life.

And then Pat came along. Pat was all kind and innocent seeming, but Jon learned all too quickly that neither happened to be the case. Pat was charming. He made Jon feel normal, fun even. But it came at a cost. The organization, the structure of his life just came to a screeching halt because Jon couldn’t say ‘no’ to that smile.

He didn’t know what was wrong with himself. Nothing had ever made him stray his course and there he was, taking an optional practice to get milkshakes in a random part of Chicago with Patrick. And he wasn’t freaking out about it – which was kind of scaring him. Jon was doing all kinds of things he wouldn’t normally do – staying out all night and pretending to be interested in girls.

That was another flag. Jon never really paid attention to girls until talking to Pat. Even when he agreed with Pat’s opinion, he found himself paying more attention to the minute details of Pat’s different expressions.

It took a couple months to realize that probably wasn’t normal. It wasn’t until the next season that Jon couldn’t stand it anymore and called his mother.

“What is it, honey?” She asked, sensing Jon’s frustration.

He sighed and began telling her all about Patrick, how he was taken over his life – including his thoughts and concentration. He went on to explain that he started doing things because he knew it would make Pat laugh or smile.

When he finished his outpour of emotional and mental confusion, she said his name softly. “Jonathan, have you considered that you might like Patrick?” she asked.

“Yeah, he’s my friend.” Jon answered plainly. “No, Jon,” his mother corrected, “I mean, do you think you might have personal feelings for him – as more than a friend?”

“But that would make me gay,” Jon said.

“You know your father and I love you no matter what, right?” she asked.

“Patrick likes girls, though,” Jon sighed.

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“I can’t just tell another guy I like him,” Jon warned, “It’s Pat.”

“Just try asking him. If nothing else, at least you tried. If Pat is as good a friend as you’ve been saying, he won’t care. Even if he is straight.”

Jon couldn’t help the fear of Pat hating him forever, but he did as his mother advised and talked to Pat. He waited until they were alone and had nothing particularly pressing to do to bring up the conversation. The thing was, he hadn’t really planned it out very well at all.

His plan was to tell Pat… and that was as far as he got before he heard himself speaking. “Pat, I was talking to my mom earlier and she kind of mentioned something that I think has been bothering me, well not bothering, really,” Jon paused, hating the attention Pat was giving him. He almost liked it better when Pat ignored him in favour of the TV or something. “Well, basically she thinks I like you and that I should probably tell you because it’s been kind of affecting my life more than it probably should and it’s something that needs to be dealt with so I can get back on track with my life.”

“Why has your liking me ruined your life?” Pat asked, not commenting on the actual subject. Another thing that bothered Jon about Pat was that he always focused on small details when the point was that Jon liked Pat, not what it was doing to his life. Well, maybe that was _a_ point, but it wasn’t _the_ point.

“Because, I’ve been skipping practice and pretending to like girls and things haven’t been the same since we started hanging out. I just keep thinking about what will make you like me or make you happy and it’s all I can think about,” Jon stressed.

Pat just smiled. “I never forced you to do that.”

“That’s not the point. I keep thinking in terms of _you_. Do I get to spend extra time with you, will something I say make you laugh. I just can’t control my thoughts when it comes to you and I hate feeling like I’m not in control.”

“I like you too, Jon,” Pat said, but Jon wasn’t impressed. “I didn’t tell you all of this so I could be mocked.”

“Who’s mocking?” Pat defended.

“But you like girls. You’ve always liked girls, you can’t just become gay because I like you,” Jon argued.

“I’m not gay, Jon. I’m bi – I like girls, but I like you more,” Pat pointed out. Jon still wasn’t sure what to say. He hadn’t expected Pat to like him back at all.

“What do you mean you like me more?” Jon asked. “All you talk about is girls and sex and you’ve never once mentioned any interest in me.”

Pat rolled his eyes, “How often have I actually gone home with any girls? Haven’t you noticed that I’ve been too busy spending my time with you?”

“Well, sorry. I’ve told you that it’s okay if you want to leave. I can get myself home,” Jon glared. Pat laughed again. Apparently Jon was missing something.

“Jon, I’m staying with you because I’d rather be with you than some puck bunny who just wants to fuck Patrick Kane. We have more in common, we have fun. They have better boobs, but you have that ass,” Pat joked. He was trying to get Jon to see that he was serious, but if the blank expression on Jon’s face was any clue, he was failing.

“What if I kissed you, would you believe me then?” Pat asked.

“Huh?” Jon responded. Pat just rolled his eyes and kissed Jon. It wasn’t overly nice, especially since Jon didn’t reciprocate at all, but it got the point across. “So, you like me?” Jon asked.

“Duh. But I thought I was ruining your life?”

“Things will have to change,” Jon said, seriously. “I have to keep going to practice. I can’t just miss it because it’s an option. We can do things later, when it doesn’t interrupt work.”

“I suppose you’ll expect me to have perfect attendance as well?” Pat asked. Jon laughed and nodded. “I’d like you to, but I don’t control you.”

“You don’t?” Pat laughed, but Jon glared at him with a slight smile. “We’re good, then?” Pat asked.

Jon smiled. “We’re good,” he answered. The thought of being with Pat still made him anxious because, like it or not, Pat was beyond disorder.


End file.
